An Exclusive Interview of Paul, The Octopus!


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The FIFA World Cup 2010 has been unique in many ways. For the first time ever, Spain not only went to the finals of the world cup but also became the champions. This world cup has seen the humiliating exits of the defending champions Italy and the prestigious contenders France. This world Cup also saw what some romantics call, “the defeat of flamboyance and style.” A columnist in a news magazine berates the fact that in this world cup, efficiency and organization won over beauty and artistic football suffered a huge setback because of the early exit of Argentina and Brazil. The beautiful football is not beautiful anymore. A “good portion of the world wants to see the Maradona moments” he says. Alas! That was not to be.

And while Shakira gyrated her hips, chanting “Waka Waka…this time for Africa,” this time, as in earlier times, wasn’t really for Africa. South Africa crashed out in the first round and Ghana, after an inspiring run, were defeated by the “hand tactics” of the Uruguayan players.

But more than spectacular goals, controversial referring decisions, early exit of big names, and the deluge of yellow cards in the final match, this world cup will be remembered for a new psychic sensation called Paul, the Octopus. After correctly predicting the outcomes of seven German matches in a row and the final match between Spain and Holland, Paul became the biggest star of FIFA World Cup 2010. Paul was one of the top 10 Twitter trends in the last week of World Cup. He made many rich and gave a tough time to bookies all over the world.

Many theories have been formed revealing the secret behind Paul’s extraordinary prowess. Scientists have also made their own conjectures. Many of his admirers sent appreciation letters to him. Germans sent death threats also. And many others are eagerly awaiting to see Paul on their dinner plates.

But what about Paul himself? What does he think of his new found stardom? Is he really psychic? I decided to find out the answers to all these questions and more and made a telepathic connection with Paul’s mind. Being a psychic myself, it was easy to convince him to grant me an interview.

But before that let me give you a brief intro about paul. Paul was born in the aquarium of Sea Life Center in England. But was later moved to the chain’s center in Oberhausen, Germany. Paul’s career as a psychic started during UEFA 2008, during which he showed his remarkable powers by predicting correctly most of the German games, except for the final. Paul is expected to die before UEFA 2012, that is, if he doesn’t get killed before that.

So here you go folks! An exclusive interview of Paul, the psychic octopus, only for the readers of Storyflakes!

SKP (thats me!): Howdy Paul? Wassupp?

Paul: Guten morgen Shiv! Ich bin gut!

SKP: ???

Paul: Shit!! I forgot you are not a German.

SKP: Never mind. How’s life after world cup?

Paul: Boring man! After the world cup my caretakers forced me to retire from making any more forecasts. All the charm has gotten out of my life. Till the world cup, news hounds never tired clicking my snaps and taking my videos. Now nobody cares. I Tell you man, it’s a tough life!

SKP (disbelievingly): What are you saying Paul! You have become a global celebrity. You have got your own page in Wikipedia. You’ve got your own iphone & ipad application. You might soon get a facebook application also. You’ll beat Anita the online psychic anyday! Italy is claiming that you were caught in Italian waters, Spanish businessmen are trying to buy you for $38,000 and you have already become an icon in Spain. The Spanish Prime Minister wants to protect you. A zoo in Madrid has offered to pay any amount of money to take you to spain from here. PR experts are suggesting ways by which you can cash on your reputation by appearing in commercials, PETA, Germany is asking your fans to sign a petition to free you, people in Delhi suddenly want octopusses as pets. And the best of all, Parry Gripp has made a theme song for you. You must be loving you star status!

Paul: I don’t give a damn to my star status! But what did you say? A theme song for me? Really? Nobody told me anything about that! Do you have it with you?

SKP: Sure Paul! Here, watch it!

Paul: Awww!! Thats so sweet of Parry! Thanks Shiv!

SKP: Don’t mention it Paul! Okay Paul here’s the question people are waiting for. How the fuck did you get all those predictions correct?

Paul: How the fuck do you think? Because I am a psychic! What kind of dumb question is that?

SKP: I mean you are really a psychic??

Paul: WTF!! Didn’t I tell you just now? Okay, here’s my premonition for you. Unless you ask me some good question in the next five seconds, I am going to spread my tentacles and eat up your brain right away. How does that sound, you douche bag!

SKP: Okay, okay, relax Paul! Don’t get so hyper man??

Paul: I am counting!

SKP: Okay, here goes. Tell us all how you became a psychic?

Paul: You just saved your brain from being eaten up! I’ll tell you how I became a psychic. When I was in England in my earlier days, I had met an Indian monk. He stood in front of my aquarium and kept on staring at me. I became uncomfortable in front of his gaze, but I wasn’t able to look away!! And soon I felt a strange sensation in my body. After some time I could hear the monk’s voice. He told me I was a gifted octopus. I just didn’t knew about my  psychic powers. He also told me I would prediction games in World Cup 2010 and become famous. I immediately made him my guru.

SKP (scratching hair): What!! You mean to say an Indian monk made gave you psychic powers? Really?

Paul: What’s wrong with you humans! You easily believe in the psychic abilities of an animal and when I tell you that a monk gave me the real power, you find it hard to believe. I tell you, you humans are all dumbasses! You don’t know shit and you call yourselves intelligent! My guru has already told me all this.

SKP: Thats a breaking news man! Paul has an Indian monk as a guru! That’s incredible! Okay paul, tell me something.What do you think of you competitor, Mani the parakeet from Singapore?

Paul: What do I think? Well..she tried her level best. But as we all witnessed she is no match for me.

SKP: Of course paul! How a parrot can’t beat you! By the way, were you afraid of the death threats?

Paul: (laughs uncontrollably, shaking his whole body creating ripples in his tentacles) Afraid, you say? Of whom? Why? If somebody wants to kill me they are most welcome. I believe in the law of Karma. Who wants to stay in this aquarium anyway? In fact, I am waiting for someone to kill me and end my wretched life. I will be a liberated soul.

Cartoon by Satish Acharya, taken from cartoonistsatish.blogspot.com

SKP (eyes popping out): Can’t believe you talking about Krama and afterlife!

Paul: There you go again!

SKP: Okay Paul! What are your views on this world cup?

Paul: This world cup was great. It was the world cup of lesser mortals. And all your talk of the beautiful game being relegated to the back seat in comparison to efficiency is all bullshit!! Tell me what was so stylish about Maradona’s so called “hand of God” in 1986? Thats was outright cheating! Is that what you mean by beautiful football?? Football is a team game and the only thing beautiful in this game is coordination and the efficiency with which the ball is passed on the ground. And that’s why I am a huge fan of the German team. So I consider this world cup as divine justice. There is only one God, and he doesn’t stay in the Argentine camp. He is up there, for all to see, that is, if they want to see.

SKP: Thats was awesome Paul! You’ve made me your fan!

Paul (blushes): Thanks!

SKP: Last question paul? When will my blog become a hit?

Paul: Damn it man! I was in such a good mood and you fucked up everything by asking this question. I told you I have retired! But if you are so adamant, then I will tell you the truth. Your blog sucks! Big time! So shut the fuck up and get the hell out of here!

Seems like paul is too upset with me. Never mind folks! I am delighted to get the biggest scoop of this season. Paul got his psychic powers from an Indian monk!!

Guys spread the word! An Indian is behind the success of Paul. We have something to cheer about after all! Mera Bharat Mahaan!! Jai Hind!!

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4 Comments to “An Exclusive Interview of Paul, The Octopus!”

  1. Ha ha ha. Nice one buddy. Keep on going, good imagination and good story telling too. There are some contradiction of certain issues in this write up. But no..not this I want to say. By the way God of Football still lives in ARGENTINA.

    • Sugata, I know you will disagree with a few things in this post. :) But as, you rightly said, no point debating about them here. This is a satirical piece and it’s main objective is to make people laugh and smile and also think about human stupidity in the process.

  2. Well, it made me smile, Shiv…and it informed me. I’m afraid I only kept one eye on the World Cup this season, and I had no idea about the profusion of psychic animal based betting in the sports world. Perhaps I should get out more. However, the mental picture your report gave me, of Paul the Octopus Tweeting really alarms me! You know, if he was serious, he could use four phones at once and dominate the Twittersphere very quickly, perhaps even giving Ashton Kutcher a run for his Nikon money.

    • I swear Jenny!! I wonder how many followers paul will have if he really were able to tweet. That gives me an idea! I think I should make a fan page for paul on facebook! :)

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